Cancer (June 21 - July22)

Oh Cancer, when will you stop feeling sorry for yourself? Do you ever stop whining about how everyone is always picking on you? You are a real pussy. I bet you?re crying now, aren?t you? It was a joke! What's wrong? Wait, you won't tell me? Oh I see. I'm supposed to let you do this "silent anger" bullshit till you get over yourself. Now I get it. Most Emo's are Cancers.

The Good

Kind, generous, suckers forgiving, Cancer?s are light-hearted and nonjudgmental. This is probably why people are attracted to them because they rarely judge a person based on someone else?s observation. The Crabs like to see things for themselves, sometimes more than once because they never learn their lesson the first time.

They are great listeners and will be more than happy to help you with your issues. This is a great way to take the focus off their pathetic lives.

The Bad

Cancer's have the most annoying mood swings ever imaginable. They are also very sensitive and easily hurt.

People walk all over you, because you?re a chicken shit. You never speak your mind when your supposed to. You might as well have a mat tied to your back.

Relationships

Cancer Man: Romantic and passionate. If your boyfriend can?t stop touching you and kissing you, chances are he is a Cancer. The Crab is what I like to call, a ?wild card?. When you have him in a good mood, then you?re on top of the world. However, when he?s acting like a bitch, he will be your worse nightmare. He will not speak to you for days and probably go out alone. The last thing he wants to do is tell you what?s wrong with him. The term ?Silence but Deadly? was probably invented by a Cancer Man.

Cancer Woman: Just picture a Cancer Man ten times more emotional, jealous, possessive, passionate and loving, and you have a Cancer Woman. The best part about dating a Cancer Woman is that their pleasure is bringing their partner pleasure. They will take care of you and their needs before taking care of their own. This is largely due because Cancer women have low-self esteem.

Cancer?s and Sex

Cancer Man: Nobody will ever make love to you quite like the Cancer Man. Like the Scorpio, his kisses alone will possess you.

However, getting there is a major pain in the ass. At first, you will need to encourage your Cancer Man, and let him take the lead. It takes a few good sessions before he will fully open up. You will find that they are really good at foreplay, and experts in the oral arts. He will drown his face between your legs till you explode into a violent scream. The Cancer Man also like to make love anywhere but the bed. The most sickening fact about the Cancer Man is that they love to cuddle.

Cancer Women: A lady on the street, but a whore in bed. Do not even think about sleeping with a Cancer Woman if you?re just looking for a one night stand. You know that girl that ?just won?t stop calling? you? It?s most likely the female Crab. They might seem to be open to the idea, but they really aren?t. They?re sexual appetite outweighs their willpower. It is very hard for a Cancer Woman to say no to sex.

How to get rid of a Cancer

Do not be polite. Don?t talk about your feelings. Withhold your affections as much as possible. If nothing seems to work, bring out the big guns: criticize the hell out of them. Since Cancers are spineless, they will surely get the hint if you make them feel inadequate.

Advice for Cancer

Stop being such a pussy. We all have problems in life, so stop playing the victim. Nobody cares!