Greetings Taurus, you fucking pain in the ass. Does the bear shit in the woods? So does the Taurus, only they do it with their mouths. The phrase "shit-talking" was invented by the drama seeking idiot that is the Taurus. Their first priority is to make sure everyone is miserable. Props to you if you have a Taurus friend and still haven't thrown yourself off a cliff.
The Good
You are fun to be with Taurus. Since you are an attention whore, you no doubt have already befriended the entire bar. You are practical and very perceptive, and usually right about everything. You are full of yourself, and a know-it-all. When you aren?t being a slackass, you are surprisingly a hard worker. You are ambitious and successfully bring your plans to fruition.
Since you are ruled by the planet of Love and Money, you make it a point to be well-groomed and presentable as much as you can. This doesn?t suggest that you don?t like to throw baggy jeans and a t-shirt once in a while, but that?s mainly for indoors. You are so vain it?s disgusting.
The Bad
You are an honest to god asshole, and pretentious bitch. You know how to hurt people, and you will fight unfairly to win. If you ever have an embarrassing secret, don?t tell a Taurus. They will use it against you without question. They will do anything for money. If you are a successful person with a substantial bank account, you will no doubt catch the attention of a Taurus. They will not spend their own money if they don?t have to. Of all the signs they are the most selfish. What?s yours is mine and what?s mine is?.mine. Don?t ever marry a Taurus.
If there is one person that needs to have their jaw shut for eternity, it would be the Taurus. Bla, bla, mother fucking, BLA!!!! If they are not contaminating the air with their constant bitching and complaining, they are alienating you in your own conversation by correcting everything you are saying. You remember when Brainy Smurf would go on an on with his self-righteous banter, before one of the smurfs wacked him with the mallet? He was most likely a Taurus.
Relationships
Taurus Man: Taureans are shallow assholes. Taurus Males likes a lady who takes care of themselves. Most men do, but the Taurus Male are the number one enforcers of this rule next to Scorpio.
Most Taureans do not believe in true love. If they had their choice between being with their soul mate and being with someone who offered them a stable and secure lifestyle, they would choose the later. So sugar mamma?s of the world, listen up! If you are looking for a fine boy toy to keep you company and likes to be led by the nose, you have found your match!
Taurus Female: You were initially attracted to a Taurean female because they are such great conversationalists. However, you will come to find that Drama is the Taurus Woman?s middle name. Not only are they full of drama, but they love to create it. Talk about starting a fire to feel the heat. Damn you, Taurus Woman!
If you don?t not meet the standards of a Taurus Female, she will not think twice about looking elsewhere. Both the male and female Taurus have no problem deceiving you, if it means they get to find something better.
Taurus and Sex
Taurus Man: The male bull are the kings of long, lavish lovemaking, so if boring sex is your thing here he is! This is the only reason you women put up with this selfish asshole. You can't rush him, because he takes his sweet ass time trying to devour every piece of your flesh...or maybe he doesn't know what the fuck he's doing. Taureans are known to excel in the oral arts, which is shocking because I can't imagine them ever shutting up for that long.
Taurus Female: There is not much difference here between the Taurus Man and Woman. The female bull has a PHD in the Oral Arts. Like the male, a Taurus female does not like to be rushed during lovemaking. Passion is a must for a Taurus woman.
How to Get Rid Of A Taurus
Wear ugly clothes. Make them terrible food. Ask them to change. Spend money like crazy. If you go on vacation together, make sure you invite your whole family. Don?t have sex with them. Tell them they are wrong.
Advice for Taurus
Since a Taurus is allergic to change, this will be pointless.